Finding My "New Normal"
I'm a huge fan of the graphic novel turned popular AMC televsion phenomenon, "The Walking Dead". I know most people have no clue what's so great about zombies and planet Earth during the Zombia Apocalypse, but just like any good fan of an awesome TV show, I have my own philosophical explanation for my obsession with this show. What luv sooooo much about the show because it is an excellent setup of how you would handle and do life, if life as you knew changed over night and there was no way of it ever going back to "the way we were". It forces the you to answer the question, I believe, of "Who am I, really?"
There's nothing like a life altering experience that causes you to not only asnwer a question like that, but actually living it out. This is my reality as we speak. For almost 2 years my life comprised of being a caregiver, problem fixer, servant, employee, and entrepreneur. I was the primary caregiver of my father who was fighting cancer and whatever challenges he had with his care and activities of daily living, I was the champion of those obstacles. I served him and those in my local church, diligently, faithful to show up where I was needed or requested to be. I was an employee because the bottom line is a girl has gotta live....even if it's pay check to pay check. Finally, I was an emerging entrepreneur because a girl doesn't want to work for someone else and build their dreams by their rules JUST to live pay check to pay check, but this was soon to change come November 18, 2015.
Honestly, I'm tired of talking about that day but I'm unable to deny that it was truly the latest day that everything changed for me. It was the day that as I was on the operating table having an open myectomy to remove fibroids, my father transitioned to his eternal home. Just like that, EVERYTHING changed. There was a sense of immediate closure, helplessness, happiness, sadness, peace, and love. I knew life as I knew it was going to be different...and it began to show up immediately. Being a caregiver now shifted to people taking care of me because I was a patient for a 2-day, in-patient procedure. Hand and foot they took care of me and I felt a weird sense of "Finally....someone's taking care of me." There were no more problems for me to solve for my dad. There was no travel or work for 6 weeks as I was at home on medical leave during recovery. Everything had changed.
So here I am....the present day Lorea and I must admit, I feel frustrated and lost. A lot of who I was and all that I had to be is no longer a necessity. The hustle and bustle of taking care of my father across state lines was done. He wasn't here to "need me" anymore. I'm still physically and emotionally recovering and have been unable to get back to the "beastmode" of juggling serveral balls in the air while still looking like an editorial masterpiece. I'm working on finding my "New Normal". I always knew that a fulfilling life would require evolution, but I had no idea it would be like this and not at this time in my life.
It's taking a lot, and I mean a lot, to not beat myself up and wollow in frustration but I now understand that the grace that was afforded me in the previous season of life is no longer needed but that I must embrace the new grace I've been given. That's the key, the "new normal" still requires grace. I encourage you that if you're beating yourself up because you've been unable to produce as you did once upon a time under a former grace to embrace God and the new grace that He has blessed you to operate in your latter season of life. His love for you is beyond comprehension....trust me, I know, and that's why I'm working to not question it but to recline and trust in His constant, yet evolving, grace for my life.
Let's do the same together....