"You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain..." John 15: 16a (NKJV)
If you're reading this and you follow me on Facebook, you may recall last week a post that I shared that spoke briefly about a life experience that I had about 5 years ago of a relationship that went bust! Well, I'm going to indulge you all with a little more detail about the experience and outcome so that you'll have a better understanding of the bigger picture...
It was 2010, I was 32 years old and was doing fairly well in life. I'd just bought my first home less that a year before, worked as an environmental engineer for the State of South Carolina and just fufilled my desire of becoming a pet parent of a cute little yorkie-poo named, Alex. Then, it happened, the last piece of my life's puzzle made its re-appearance into my life by the name of "Tommie". He re-appeared because we dated in high school and it had been over 15 years since I'd last seen him. After a whirlwind dating relationship, he proposed! I said yes without hesitation and began the wedding planning. Fate, right?
Fast forward 5 months from the proposal, one day we were talking on the phone and I had a "feeling" that something wasn't right about what he was saying to me so I abruptly hung up and began my fabulous FBI/CIA investigation (My intuition, discernment and investagative skills? The girl is bad, I'm tellin' ya, lol!). What I discovered CRUSHED me: In 2 weeks he was going to be married to the "original" fiance that he was living with for over a year (he was in the military, so he did't live in state) and he was "engaging in activities" with 3 other women. I was blown away and I soon sunk into bitterness, anger and depression.
The emotional injury to my soul that I experienced caused me to seek professional help from a Christian counselor. Once I got over the anger and began to forgive him, I was forced to look within to discover, "How did I get here?" and "Why did this happen to me?". I had to face myself like never before. It was hard. It was scary. I was uncomfortably vulnerable. It was REAL. One of the bigger questions I asked myself was, "Why did he and this proposal choose me?". I asked this question of myself because one of the feelings that betrayed me was the feeling of being chosen.When he proposed to me I felt like, YES!, it's finally my time; out of all of the women he chose to make his one and only he chose ME!; I'm now going to be a WIFE!; I felt validated as a woman and felt that more special. I was drunk off of being chosen. I'm unsure if any of you have felt that way or want to feel that way when the proposal comes, but that was my experience. I began to see the power or seduction that can come with being chosen.
Yes, our lives can be quantified and qualified by the sum of the choices that we've made, but the other side of that coin is that there are people and experiences that choose US; good or bad. Sure, we have control when we make a choice, but when people and things choose us, it's a clear indication of our honest internal state that we cannot choose to hide. What God revealed to me was that "Tommie" and the proposal chose me because there was brokeness on the inside of me that still struggled with knowing my worth. I still didn't fully believe that I was worth God's best for me in the area of relationships because of all I'd done and been through. I struggled with learned unworthiness. This learned unworthiness manifested in me choosing to ignore the signs of deceit and infidelity and choosing to settle for the first proposal I'd ever received....please believe there were warning signs before the bomb dropped.
The health, or lack thereof, our souls and thought lives come with consequences. You can be the most externally confident, successful, spiritual and happy person, but to no avail becuase your outcomes will betray you. The honest state of your soul silently dictates the people, opportunities and experiences that choose you. The good news is that in God choosing you, you receive power to become internally healthy (3 John 2) and transformed mentally (Romans 12:2). When God chooses you, you're not qualified by anything that you've done but by Him knowing that what He put in you is profitable to others and must manifest in your life experiences. When God chooses you, to bear fruit and good fruit that remains, you can be assured that you have the goods on the inside to attract divine relationships and opportunities. Don't underestimate the power of God choosing you to reflect His glory in the earth! Internal Honesty, Births Honest Expression(TM).